So, Iāll start by copying a phrase Iāve heard a friend use. I believe Iām somewhat of an āemotional anorexic.ā Donāt worry; itās not anything clinical or worrisome, but when I get sad, like really, really sad, I also tend to lose my appetite, & thereby pounds. But again, donāt worry.Ā Ā I am consciously eating everyday, & since Iāve gone back to work, Iāve been eating more. (Why is that? I guess working makes me hungry?Ā š¤·š¼āāļø)
Anyway, I remember there was a time after a relationship break-up when I also lost quite a few pounds in a six-month period just a few years after college. It worked to my advantage then though, because that was right when I met Jamey. I was at a Christmas cocktail party, wearing a nearly backless dress when a friend pointed me out to Jamey, and he supposedly said āDude! That girl is wayyyy out of my league!ā Clearly, I wasnāt. I wasĀ šÆĀ in Jameyās league, but still we talked about that night for years afterwards, & he always claimed to have said that. In fact, he even referenced that night, that dress, & his reaction to me, all teeny tiny in it, in the last voicemail message he left me from his hospice bed in July.Ā Ā (FYI, I will never ever delete that voicemail.)Ā Ā And of-course being the emotional & sentimental keeper of things that I am, I still have that dress too, though I would never again wear it at my age. (Not only is it practically backless, itās also scandalously short! š³)Ā
All that to say, I have dropped several pounds during our cancer journey and Jameyās passing. So much so, that my wedding band was starting to slip off my finger when I exercised.
So, I started researching what to do. Whatās acceptable? What did other widows do about wearing their wedding bands? I talked to widows. I paid attention @ grief groups to what other people had or didnāt have on their fingers. And basically, I realized itās a free-for-all out there. Some take them off and put them in a drawer forever more.Ā Ā Some move them to their right hand. Others wear them on their ring finger forever. Some have them made into a more fashionable piece of jewelry.Ā None of those options seemed right to me. But as my ringĀ šĀ got more & more slippery, it weighed on me. Finally, one night while talking to a friend on theĀ āļøĀ phone, they clarified it for me by saying, āDany, you have to do whatever feels right to you, & you alone.ā I donāt know why hearing that was so freeing, but it was, and it helped me turn down the interference in my head about what other people did & didnāt do or what Uncle Google thought I should or shouldnāt do. And so, I was able to make a decision that feels right for me & me alone.
As such, this week I had my ring sized, and I moved it over one finger. I envision wearing it forever, but not on my ring finger of my left hand. So, I moved it to my middle finger of my left hand where it can still nestle up against the finger where itās been for almost 22 years. The few days that it was at the jewelers, and I couldnāt wear it at all, my hand felt naked, and I felt off kilter, which confirmed for me that NOT wearing it was not an option for me.
So, as with everything else these days, here I go alone on my own forging my own new path. (Coincidentally, I canāt find any Google articles, or any widows who seem to have chosen to wear their wedding bands on the middle finger of their left hand like me, but again, I seem to march to the beat of a different drummer, so that doesnāt surprise me.)Ā Ā But when I picked it up from the jeweler, the same young clerk who helped me mount Jameyās wedding band on a necklace was there. This is the same clerk who had a tattoo of the same inscription we had put in Jameyās wedding band, P2. To me, I felt like this was another God wink. I felt like God was condoning my decision and giving me a nod and a wink that I was doing the right thing, & that He blessed my decision too. I know Iām probably reading too much into things, but it gives me comfort, nonetheless.Ā
So, there it is. My ring has moved. Iāve read that wearing rings, rings of any kind, on your middle finger, of either hand, is symbolic of power. I donāt know about all that, but I definitely feel stronger when I lookĀ šĀ down & see my wedding bands. I feel like Iām carrying a piece of Jamey and that he is still with me, still cheering me on, still encouraging me from above. Heās just changed seats in the cheering section, but heās with me still, in my (bruised) heart & on my hand.Ā ā¤ļøāš©¹š