So, Iâll start by copying a phrase Iâve heard a friend use. I believe Iâm somewhat of an âemotional anorexic.â Donât worry; itâs not anything clinical or worrisome, but when I get sad, like really, really sad, I also tend to lose my appetite, & thereby pounds. But again, donât worry.  I am consciously eating everyday, & since Iâve gone back to work, Iâve been eating more. (Why is that? I guess working makes me hungry? đ¤ˇđźââď¸)
Anyway, I remember there was a time after a relationship break-up when I also lost quite a few pounds in a six-month period just a few years after college. It worked to my advantage then though, because that was right when I met Jamey. I was at a Christmas cocktail party, wearing a nearly backless dress when a friend pointed me out to Jamey, and he supposedly said âDude! That girl is wayyyy out of my league!â Clearly, I wasnât. I was đŻÂ in Jameyâs league, but still we talked about that night for years afterwards, & he always claimed to have said that. In fact, he even referenced that night, that dress, & his reaction to me, all teeny tiny in it, in the last voicemail message he left me from his hospice bed in July.  (FYI, I will never ever delete that voicemail.)  And of-course being the emotional & sentimental keeper of things that I am, I still have that dress too, though I would never again wear it at my age. (Not only is it practically backless, itâs also scandalously short! đł)Â
All that to say, I have dropped several pounds during our cancer journey and Jameyâs passing. So much so, that my wedding band was starting to slip off my finger when I exercised.
So, I started researching what to do. Whatâs acceptable? What did other widows do about wearing their wedding bands? I talked to widows. I paid attention @ grief groups to what other people had or didnât have on their fingers. And basically, I realized itâs a free-for-all out there. Some take them off and put them in a drawer forever more.  Some move them to their right hand. Others wear them on their ring finger forever. Some have them made into a more fashionable piece of jewelry. None of those options seemed right to me. But as my ring đ got more & more slippery, it weighed on me. Finally, one night while talking to a friend on the âď¸Â phone, they clarified it for me by saying, âDany, you have to do whatever feels right to you, & you alone.â I donât know why hearing that was so freeing, but it was, and it helped me turn down the interference in my head about what other people did & didnât do or what Uncle Google thought I should or shouldnât do. And so, I was able to make a decision that feels right for me & me alone.
As such, this week I had my ring sized, and I moved it over one finger. I envision wearing it forever, but not on my ring finger of my left hand. So, I moved it to my middle finger of my left hand where it can still nestle up against the finger where itâs been for almost 22 years. The few days that it was at the jewelers, and I couldnât wear it at all, my hand felt naked, and I felt off kilter, which confirmed for me that NOT wearing it was not an option for me.
So, as with everything else these days, here I go alone on my own forging my own new path. (Coincidentally, I canât find any Google articles, or any widows who seem to have chosen to wear their wedding bands on the middle finger of their left hand like me, but again, I seem to march to the beat of a different drummer, so that doesnât surprise me.)Â Â But when I picked it up from the jeweler, the same young clerk who helped me mount Jameyâs wedding band on a necklace was there. This is the same clerk who had a tattoo of the same inscription we had put in Jameyâs wedding band, P2. To me, I felt like this was another God wink. I felt like God was condoning my decision and giving me a nod and a wink that I was doing the right thing, & that He blessed my decision too. I know Iâm probably reading too much into things, but it gives me comfort, nonetheless.Â
So, there it is. My ring has moved. Iâve read that wearing rings, rings of any kind, on your middle finger, of either hand, is symbolic of power. I donât know about all that, but I definitely feel stronger when I look đ down & see my wedding bands. I feel like Iâm carrying a piece of Jamey and that he is still with me, still cheering me on, still encouraging me from above. Heâs just changed seats in the cheering section, but heâs with me still, in my (bruised) heart & on my hand. â¤ď¸âđŠšđ