Rings & Middle Fingers šŸ’Ā šŸ–•šŸ¼ Oh My!

So, Iā€™ll start by copying a phrase Iā€™ve heard a friend use. I believe Iā€™m somewhat of an ā€œemotional anorexic.ā€ Donā€™t worry; itā€™s not anything clinical or worrisome, but when I get sad, like really, really sad, I also tend to lose my appetite, & thereby pounds. But again, donā€™t worry.Ā Ā I am consciously eating everyday, & since Iā€™ve gone back to work, Iā€™ve been eating more. (Why is that? I guess working makes me hungry?Ā šŸ¤·šŸ¼ā€ā™€ļø)

Anyway, I remember there was a time after a relationship break-up when I also lost quite a few pounds in a six-month period just a few years after college. It worked to my advantage then though, because that was right when I met Jamey. I was at a Christmas cocktail party, wearing a nearly backless dress when a friend pointed me out to Jamey, and he supposedly said ā€œDude! That girl is wayyyy out of my league!ā€ Clearly, I wasnā€™t. I wasĀ šŸ’ÆĀ in Jameyā€™s league, but still we talked about that night for years afterwards, & he always claimed to have said that. In fact, he even referenced that night, that dress, & his reaction to me, all teeny tiny in it, in the last voicemail message he left me from his hospice bed in July.Ā Ā (FYI, I will never ever delete that voicemail.)Ā Ā And of-course being the emotional & sentimental keeper of things that I am, I still have that dress too, though I would never again wear it at my age. (Not only is it practically backless, itā€™s also scandalously short! šŸ˜³)Ā 

All that to say, I have dropped several pounds during our cancer journey and Jameyā€™s passing. So much so, that my wedding band was starting to slip off my finger when I exercised. 

So, I started researching what to do. Whatā€™s acceptable? What did other widows do about wearing their wedding bands? I talked to widows. I paid attention @ grief groups to what other people had or didnā€™t have on their fingers. And basically, I realized itā€™s a free-for-all out there. Some take them off and put them in a drawer forever more.Ā Ā Some move them to their right hand. Others wear them on their ring finger forever. Some have them made into a more fashionable piece of jewelry.Ā  None of those options seemed right to me. But as my ringĀ šŸ’Ā got more & more slippery, it weighed on me. Finally, one night while talking to a friend on theĀ ā˜ŽļøĀ phone, they clarified it for me by saying, ā€œDany, you have to do whatever feels right to you, & you alone.ā€ I donā€™t know why hearing that was so freeing, but it was, and it helped me turn down the interference in my head about what other people did & didnā€™t do or what Uncle Google thought I should or shouldnā€™t do. And so, I was able to make a decision that feels right for me & me alone.

As such, this week I had my ring sized, and I moved it over one finger. I envision wearing it forever, but not on my ring finger of my left hand. So, I moved it to my middle finger of my left hand where it can still nestle up against the finger where itā€™s been for almost 22 years. The few days that it was at the jewelers, and I couldnā€™t wear it at all, my hand felt naked, and I felt off kilter, which confirmed for me that NOT wearing it was not an option for me.

So, as with everything else these days, here I go alone on my own forging my own new path. (Coincidentally, I canā€™t find any Google articles, or any widows who seem to have chosen to wear their wedding bands on the middle finger of their left hand like me, but again, I seem to march to the beat of a different drummer, so that doesnā€™t surprise me.)Ā Ā But when I picked it up from the jeweler, the same young clerk who helped me mount Jameyā€™s wedding band on a necklace was there. This is the same clerk who had a tattoo of the same inscription we had put in Jameyā€™s wedding band, P2. To me, I felt like this was another God wink. I felt like God was condoning my decision and giving me a nod and a wink that I was doing the right thing, & that He blessed my decision too. I know Iā€™m probably reading too much into things, but it gives me comfort, nonetheless.Ā 

So, there it is. My ring has moved. Iā€™ve read that wearing rings, rings of any kind, on your middle finger, of either hand, is symbolic of power. I donā€™t know about all that, but I definitely feel stronger when I lookĀ šŸ‘€Ā down & see my wedding bands. I feel like Iā€™m carrying a piece of Jamey and that he is still with me, still cheering me on, still encouraging me from above. Heā€™s just changed seats in the cheering section, but heā€™s with me still, in my (bruised) heart & on my hand.Ā ā¤ļøā€šŸ©¹šŸ’