We are days away from the 1-year anniversary of my husband’s passing. ONE YEAR!?!?
I imagine some in my position would say that this past year was the hardest of their lives. I would not say that.
I think the year leading up to Jamey‘s passing was undoubtedly the worst year of my life. The anticipatory grief, the heartbreak, and the realization that while I could feel God walking beside us, our prayers were not being answered the way we wanted them to be, was undoubtably the hardest year of my life. Watching the smartest, most talented, kindest, & wittiest man I’ve ever known disintegrate and become a mere shadow of himself was way harder than this last year. But reader, please know that caring for him during that year was not the hardest thing I’ve ever done, maybe the most grievously foul, but not the hardest. That part was an honor. And I now, in hindsight, see that caregiving year as a weird blessing. Sadly, during this year, I have met and talked with other widows. I have joined a club that no one wants to be a part of, but once in, there is no getting out. But I now know that as awful as I think I have / had it, I also now realize that it was a blessing that I had a chance to prepare, a chance to say goodbye, a chance to imagine a life in the future without him, a chance to even discuss a life without him with him. Not all, and maybe not even most, widows are afforded that opportunity.
I’ve read on various widow forums about how so many people have regrets. They regret conversations had or not had, actions taken or not taken etc. I have no regrets in that regard. We said all the sweet things. He knew he was leaving this earth well loved, & all he loved knew that they too were loved by him. He did not choose to leave us; this was not his, & certainly not my, plan. I am 100% living Plan B right now, and while this is not the way I planned my life to go at age 26, or 30, or 35, or 40, or even 45, I am finding joy on this new path too, a different kind of joy, but joy.
But this year has not been the hardest year of my life because Jamey loved me, loved us, so well in the 21 years we had together. Jamey provided for me and the girls, and he made and collected the best friends that continue to check on us and help me, and counsel me, and support me. And I’d like to say I’ve made and collected some of the best friends too, and they also continue to check on me, help me, counsel me, and support me. And friends from both sides of the aisle have talked me through and come over and helped with (AKA done) quite a few honey dos. Plus, we have family here & there who also love us as best as they can too, & we are thankful for all of it and everyone.
Without a doubt, I have kept myself extremely busy this last year. I have tried to fill the hole in my heart with activities, with house projects, with renovations, with travel, with new certifications, with exercise, with Bible study, with outings, with concerts, & of course because I live in the South, with football, & because Heidi is Jamey’s daughter, soccer games too. I have filled it with the good work that Jamey started with the Hollingsworth foundation. I have filled that hole by helping Halli prepare for college and navigate senior year, by helping our youngest navigate the complicated waters of entering high school, and all the trials and tribulations and hard choices that present themselves during that period of life. I have filled it with therapy, and I’ve certainly filled it with a bit of my own escaping as well.
This year has not been pretty, but it’s not been the hardest year of my life. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve cried (a lot) but less than the year of dying. I’ve checked in and out a few times; I’ve gotten angry a lot, more than I should have, but I haven’t quit. People marvel and tell me that they don’t think they could’ve gone through this. The thing is, it’s not like you get a choice. You simply must move forward, because time waits for no one; life waits for no one.
I see myself still evolving, hopefully for the better, but not always. In some ways, a lot of ways, I feel myself reverting to the young woman I was before I met Jamey, just older, wrinklier, and a good bit wiser. I believe I’ve learned from some of the mistakes I’ve made this past year. But there are other mistakes that I’m sure I will continue to repeat for the rest of my life. I mean human nature and all that.
A cherished friend counseled me a few months back, and she said that she had a sense that Jamey was telling me to slow down. That makes sense on so many levels. Even together throughout our marriage, Jamey was definitely the more strategic, slower, more methodical thinker, and I was the energizer, the activator, the Make It Happen Captain partner. And so, I can relate to her / his advice, & I think this next year, I’m going to try and do just that, try and slow down. Emphasis on the word try.
I stopped writing for a while, (5-months to be exact) but I miss it, & I hope to pick it back up again. Just writing this post feels cathartic. But solo life, solo parenting, gets so busy, and frankly it’s really, really hard managing it all, working full time, raising teens, heck, I’m kind of still raising myself, but I’d like to think I’ll pick the writing back up again. I do find it very therapeutic. But I also am still considering a new puppy in the Spring verses now, because as another friend, suggested, I don’t want to be potty training a puppy in the winter. I was born and raised in Miami, Florida, and you can happily take the girl out of Florida, but you can’t take the love of warmth and sunshine out of the girl, and I do not want to be walking a puppy in the dead of winter. I’m also training to become a certified Pilates instructor. So, while I have hopes of slowing down and writing more, I’m not going to come to a halt; I can’t. It’s not in my DNA. But I am going to try to slow down.
I’m also kind of mentally and emotionally preparing myself for the idea that this next year might be worse than the last. From therapy and from the Widow forums I read, the reality that it’s not just the first year without him, but forever without him will apparently really sink into my, our, bones this next year. So, I continue to ask for grace, and patience, and love, and forgiveness moving forward. Maybe I’ll write about it. 🤔😘
But back to the upcoming dreaded anniversary. I did not want to be in our home, nor did I want the girls to be in our home on the anniversary of Jamey‘s passing in our house. So, with the help of the bestest travel agent ever, we will not be. We are running far, far away, & I am hoping that we will make new and happy memories to layer on top of the anniversary of a horrible loss. I’m also trying to think of this escape as a new beginning, a rebirth. A celebration for sure that we’ve had major milestones (HS graduation, turning 50, etc.) this year, and that we too have survived a year without him. But I also want this trip to symbolize a rebirth into the women that God is shaping us into. I want it to be a time for the three of us to focus on ‘who do we want to be at this time next year’ and ‘what are the choices and decisions and actions that we need to take to become those women, women who Jamey would be proud of.’ Because while we still shed tears, and still have those moments of realization and shock that we are living our lives without him, no matter how ill equipped I feel, or they feel, to be navigating these waters without him, God knew this was in our future the whole time, and the Bible tells us we were fearfully & wonderfully made, Psalm 139:14. And while I may not be individually equipped for this path, He is with me, with us, & through Him all things are possible, Philippians 4:13. God has sent so many wonderful friends and family members to support us, and He has supposedly given us the strengths and abilities to get through it, though sometimes I personally feel like Moses, and I keep questioning if just by chance, God is overestimating my abilities, Exodus 4:10. But I do trust the Lord more than I trust my own insecurities and the negative talk of the devil whispering in and undermining me in my ear.
So, while this year hasn’t been the hardest year of my life, it hasn’t been the best or the easiest either, and I’ve certainly gotten way too familiar with some of the YouTube handymen do it yourself channels. And while I don’t have a crystal ball, nor have I been given the gift of foresight, I can only hope and pray and trust that this next year will be better still.
Thank you all for walking this path with me and my girls. We could not have made it this far, with as few cuts and bruises as we have, without you. 😘