So, I’ve been pretty morose the last few days. I think it’s kind of been a combination of things that I’m really just now processing & analyzing. (Bless the process of writing ✍🏼 for that awareness.)
#1 – This is the week our oldest daughter, Halli, moves out & into college. While I’m over the top happy & excited for her. I’m also super sad for me, & even more selfishly sad that I don’t have Jamey by my side cheering her on, commiserating with me, all while comforting me too.
I look at her excited and hopeful face, and I still see the pudgy cheeked toddler playing in my heels & prancing around the kitchen.
I see her packing up her room now, & it makes me sad, as I can so clearly still see the sweet little toddler she was who never wanted me & Jamey to even go out at night & leave her with a sitter for dinner. And if I close my eyes, I can still almost feel her weight balanced on my hip, because I rarely put her down to let her try to crawl or walk, like EVER. I swear, I don’t think her baby self even realized her feet had a purpose, besides being limberly popped into her mouth to be sucked on, because I truly rarely put her down.
Plus now, the Mom guilt is hitting me with the force of a hurricane 🌀, and I’m regretting every harsh or short tempered word that has ever come out of mouth, and there have been many, because the Italian dramatic gene runs deep in me. And I’m missing Jamey’s voice consoling me & affirming me that I was a good mom, & that all is, and will be, well.
But now my 1st baby girl is leaving. Granted she won’t be that far, but she won’t be here. And to be honest, I’m feeling an awful pattern in my life, & though I’m a ‘lonely only’ child, & generally good by myself, I hate being left behind. And I even more hate that Jamey left us, me, so early, and my nest will one day be empty, with just me in it. 😢
So while I know I’ve fallen off of a few prayer 🙏🏻lists, if others still have room for me, us, I’d appreciate still being lifted up from time to time, because my heart still aches, & now it’s experiencing a new grief too boot. (And bless our baby Heidi too, because I know – because she has told me 😂 – she is feeling this Mama squeeze and hold ger tighter & tighter, all while she is trying to pull away & gasp for air. 😂)
Have I mentioned that I’m really dreading Halli leaving on Thursday? 😢
And reason #2 I think I’m in a state of new grief: I think this second year is going to be worse than the first, because I’ve completed all the projects. I’ve gone on all the trips, & now it’s just me & life, carrying on in the world without my best friend, & partner in crime, & it stinks. The reality of it all is starting to settle into my bones, and I imagine it’s like my Nana 👵🏻 used to describe her arthritis to me, as a constant ache deep in her bones.
And while I’ve read how important it is to just sit and be still & feel all the grief, I’m pretty sure I’ve been cruising down a detour route trying to bypass the hurt. But guess what.
All roads seem to lead back to the same congested heartache.
I met another widow this week, who has been a widow for 26 years. As we were sharing stories, she told me how even after 26 years she is still so mad at her late husband for missing so many milestones. I found that interesting, because I am most definitely not ‘mad’ at Jamey. I’m sad at him. And as our family approaches another major milestone on Thursday, my heart hurts even more.
Milestones are no longer the celebratory occasions they should be. But rather they feel more like a mean, boney finger poking the most tender part of a bad bruise again & again & again.