Tag: Family 2.0

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A Reflection & Public Service Announcement:

Today is the 3 year-anniversary of our Stage 4 Diagnosis Day, and I feel compelled to share a little something-something today, now that we are 3 years out from that dreadful day. This is the day that my life most profoundly changed, followed closely by the day I became a 1st time mother, but that day was wrapped in joy, whereas diagnosis day was shrouded in fear, grief, & unbelievable pain, but I tend to write more about sad things than happy things. (Don’t I sound like some fun person you would want to hang out with at parties?? LOL! Disclaimer, I think I am more fun in real life than I am in my writing, but obviously I am not a reliable source on the matter. )

I was talking to a dear friend yesterday about how much my life has changed over the last 3 years, & how she has been a confidant & friend throughout that whole period (shoutout to my small group leader, you know who you are. šŸ˜‰)Ā  And while I always wish I could see the future & see where this or that will lead, Iā€™m thankful for 1,000 past days that I didnā€™t know the various looming heartaches that awaited me, because Iā€™m not sure I would have stayed on those different courses, but honestly I would have missed so much if I had taken any one of the detours offered to me. For its only in hindsight that you, or at least that I have, come to realize that the pain & agony of life is where & when you often learn the most profound life lessons, reprioritize the way you spend your time, and reconsider who you choose to spend your time with, all while drawing closer to God along the way.

I have said before, and I will say again, while our family’s Cancer journey, (because truly, one person’s cancer diagnosis is a diagnosis for all of those around them too) was wretched and heartbreaking, it was also, I see now, a necessary evil we all had to go through, like a refinement process turning us all into the people He has planned for us to be. Our girls have grown and matured and faced things that you would wish on no one, but as a result, I believe they too have learned so much and grown in their character and developed immeasurable in their grit along the way, that I stand in awe of them at moments. But at the same time, while we 3 may have emerged stronger 3-years later, I see us like a broken bone that heals, but still aches when it rains, and had we known, really known for sure, not just some hokey prediction what we would face if we did this or that, or didn’t do this or that, I know we would have all done whatever it took to avoid it, but then where would be now? Who can say?

Now, donā€™t read that and think that I am all Zen, and only spend my time on worthwhile things today, because I donā€™t.Ā  I confess, I just binged The Perfect Couple on Netflix this past weekend, and I am just as guilty, if not more so than, the next person of mindlessly scrolling and watching ridiculous Reels about love, life, and black labradors, but I do try to be more intentional with my time and stay more present with my people than I used to; I also spend a lot more time, not necessarily on my knees in prayer, but certainly time while I drive and walk and drift off to sleep. I almost always have an ongoing conversation going on with God in my head. more time than not, about both the meaningful and the mundane, of hopes and dreams and small pleas. So much so, that I imagine that even He is thinking, TMI Dany, TMI.Ā  LOL!

And to add to all of those maybe not so deep and philosophical thoughts brewing in my brain today, šŸ˜‚ Iā€™ll share that I am thoroughly enjoyingĀ Here One Moment,Ā by Liane Moriarty, (book club friends: read this one!) that poses the question, can ā€˜Fate be Fought?ā€™ From my experience, and those who know me well, & know of my story of the Palm reader prediction @ age 21 that turned out to be true 28 years later, my advice is to not mess with the occult, donā€™t look beyond the veil, not that it might be an inaccurate sneak peak, but I donā€™t believe that we were designed to know the future, because said knowledge could pollute your todays. Live gratefully in the present & pray fervently & constantly for the little & the large.Ā 

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2-Year Anniversary Reflections by Heidi

Today it has officially been 2 years without my Dad. Two years ago God took my Dad to heaven and left us with a flipped family dynamic. Although we had time to prepare, and we knew that his time was coming, nothing couldā€™ve prepared our family for the immense feeling of emptiness. Even in the midst of the hustle and bustle by our close friends and family, there was still a big void. Our family had always been just the four of us, and he was our leader; He was our rock and our glue. Without him, we were left just the three of us, on our own, to  navigate this world without him. 

I remember that day being swarmed by loved ones, plans, and lots of good food. The day was busy, but when everyone left that night and I went to bed, all I could feel was this big hollow feeling. I had never gone to bed in a world without my Dad in it  to tell me goodnight or to tell me that he loves me for what was on the inside of me and not on the outside. I had never gone to bed with him, not there somewhere in the world to say our prayers with and tuck me in. I felt empty. I have now gone to bed 730 times without him, and I have come to learn that that hallow feeling doesnā€™t ever leave.

Through stories his friends have shared of their memories of him Iā€™ve learned even more about him. I remember him as my Dad; they  remember him as a cool guy, & apparently a bit of a wild guy as well. Iā€™ve learned he played a special part in many peopleā€™s lives, not just ours, and it was a blessing to have him as my Dad. To me, he was my Hero. He was the strongest man in the world and no question or problem was too big that he couldnā€™t solve. Then one day there was a problem he couldnā€™t solve or answer. 

Standing in our kitchen mid September of 2021 my Dad told us the doctors had found a large tumor in his colon. When I heard him say this it didnā€™t seem like the end of the world at the time,  because so many people beat cancer, and I knew my Dad could too. After more tests, we came to learn that this was more than just a tumor, it was stage 4 colorectal cancer. Everytime my Mom or Dad delivered an update on his conditions or shared  what his doctors had said, they would deliver it with silver linings and a hopeful tone. One day I think my Dad just got too tired of putting up a hopeful front and he told my sister and I that odds were not in his favor;  they had  given him a 14% chance of survival. I hated the doctors for giving us that number, and I wanted them to try harder and give us a better number. Slowly but surely we ran out of options, and my Dad grew sicker and weaker. There are no words to describe how I felt watching the strongest man in my life deteriorate until he was so sick he was only a shadow of the man and Father he had once been. When he was put on hospice care and a hospital bed was wheeled into our living room, I knew it was over. There was nothing left, and all I could do was wait and watch. We had been told he had just days left several times, but he kept beating the odds and waking up the next morning. My mom had been sleeping on the couch next to him for weeks, and it had started to cause her  back pain. Her chiropractor told her she needed to go back to the bed for a little bit and to take a break from couch duty. I took her place. The very first night she slept in the bed, and I slept next to my Dad on our couch. I had a bad feeling. I told him I loved him, and that I would see him in the morning, and although he couldnā€™t talk back, I knew what he wanted to say. I have never been more afraid to fall asleep in my life. I knew that if I closed my eyes that when I woke up he might not be there. I canā€™t remember what woke me up but around 3 am I woke up. I wouldnā€™t open my eyes. I couldnā€™t open my eyes. I was too scared that if I did I would see him lifeless next to me, and he would be gone forever. So I kept them shut until I fell back asleep. I woke up again at almost 8 am forgetting for a second about everything. I called out to my Dad to see if he was awake yet, and I got no response. My heart sank to my stomach, and I felt nauseous. I sat up and looked at him. His eyes were frozen open and his chest wasnā€™t moving. I screamed. I yelled at him begging him to wake up. Still, no response. I slowly touched him seeing if I could tap him awake, but when my fingers touched his arm, it was cold. I started shaking him and screaming. My mom and sister were in the back of the house arguing but quieted at my screaming . The next thing I remember is my moms footsteps running down the hallway. I remember my mom screaming with shock and sadness and my sister wasnā€™t able to open her eyes. She didnā€™t want to see him gone, and I donā€™t blame her. What happened after that is a blur. I called my uncle (his brother) and I called his mom. I will not ever forget those phone calls. That is where our journey as family 2.0 began.

After that, my perspective on life and faith changed. I did not understand how a God so good and so capable of healing making miracles could let my Dad have so much pain, only to take him away. I did not understand how the world could continue on without my Dad in it. I watched my Mom as what she thought was the rest of her life crumble away, and my heart broke. When she met my Dad, she thought she was done. She had found her best friend, and they made plans for the rest of their life. They were a match like no other, and then he was gone, and she was left alone. I could not admire the strength and faith she had to keep going anymore than I do. She is now my hero, and I strive to one day have half of her strength. She has led our family better than I couldā€™ve imagined, and my sister and I are so blessed to have her. I KNOW my Dad would be proud of her, and I hope she knows it as well. I have watched my sister, as she lost our Dad, the one person who really understood her like no other. She has grown soooo much in the past 2 years, and I can confidently say my Dad wouldā€™ve been unimaginably proud of her. Life without him has had ups and downs, and grief is exactly what they said it would be, it comes in waves. Some waves are bigger than others, but we are surrounded with so many people who help usĀ  get through it. The constant we have throughout life is God and family, so, my advice to everyone is to lean into your relationships, and make memories that will last a lifetime, and even after a life.Ā 

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We 3 After 2-Years

Friday marks the 2-year anniversary of a great loss, the day Jamey left this earth. While we all knew it was time, those last days were agonizing for us all, the finality of death is not truly comprehensible until you experience it. And while Jamey is, I know, enjoying the good life in heaven, we three were left behind to figure life out on our own, without our anchor, our rock.Ā 

For betterĀ andĀ for worse, I will never be the woman I once was. Our family dynamic was forever changed, & we three are still figuring out who we are now & who we want to be tomorrow.Ā 

As for me, Iā€™m trying harder to lean into each day & to be thankful forĀ allĀ theĀ moments, the good & the bad. Iā€™m trying harder to prioritize my time, & focus on my relationships, letting the inconsequential go, but itā€™s not easy. Itā€™s a constant battle for me to choose to nurture a relationship & ignore the lesser grievances. But Iā€™m trying to be, in the words of Jamey Hollingsworth, the bigger person & take the high road, – a lesson my girls still discuss & point out when we each miss the mark. (Family = accountability partners šŸ¤¦šŸ¼ā€ā™€ļøšŸ˜‚) And while Iā€™m proud of some of my wins in that arena, Iā€™m also ashamed of some of my losses. But Iā€™d like to think that overall, Jamey would be proud of how Iā€™ve carried on without him, and I KNOW heā€™d be proud of our girls. Theyā€™re blossoming into such beautiful & smart & capable young women, whetherĀ in spite ofĀ orĀ because ofĀ their great loss, I donā€™t know. šŸ˜¢

Personally, Iā€™ve grown so much stronger, become so much more independent, & learned so much along the way, but I still struggle & falter, so I spend a lot of time talking to God & asking for wisdom & guidance.

But while my heart broke šŸ’” in half, 2-years ago, the amazing thing about the heart, is that itā¤ļøā€šŸ©¹ heals, & scar tissue is thicker & tougher than the never before broken, soft heart. Those battle scars, once healed, tend to serve as armor that can protect you & help you overcome the fear of moving on, because you believe, you have to believe, that surely nothing will ever hurt that much again, so why not risk it & seek joy again? And with a thick & scar-y heart, your brain convinces you that youā€™re brave enough to test the waters again, & it talks you into first putting in a toe & then a shin, until the next thing you know, youā€™re splashing around in the shallow end again, feeling, dare I say it, happy.Ā  šŸ˜Š

Yes, Friday marks the 2-year anniversary of Jameyā€™s passing, but it also marks the day we three started a transformation of epic proportions. I only pray now that we will one day discover this metamorphosis, though painful, allowed us to emerge like a phoenix from a flame, ready to face the world, ready to face the future.Ā Ā 

RIP Jamey. You are loved & missed always, & we are so much better off for loving & having been loved by you. 

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The Upcoming 1-Year Anniversary

We are days away from the 1-year anniversary of my husbandā€™s passing. ONE YEAR!?!? 

I imagine some in my position would say that this past year was the hardest of their lives. I would not say that. 

I think the year leading up to Jameyā€˜s passing was undoubtedly the worst year of my life. The anticipatory grief, the heartbreak, and the realization that while I could feel God walking beside us, our prayers were not being answered the way we wanted them to be, was undoubtably the hardest year of my life. Watching the smartest, most talented, kindest, & wittiest man Iā€™ve ever known disintegrate and become a mere shadow of himself was way harder than this last year.Ā Ā But reader, please know that caring for him during that year was not the hardest thing Iā€™ve ever done, maybe the most grievously foul, but not the hardest. That part was an honor.Ā And I now, in hindsight, see that caregiving year as a weird blessing. Sadly, during this year, I have met and talked with other widows.Ā  I have joined a club that no one wants to be a part of, but once in, there is no getting out.Ā  But I now know that as awful as I think I have / had it, Ā I also now realize that it was a blessing that I had a chance to prepare, a chance to say goodbye, a chance to imagine a life in the future without him, a chance to even discuss a life without him with him.Ā Not all, and maybe not even most, widows are afforded that opportunity.

Iā€™ve read on various widow forums about how so many people have regrets. They regret conversations had or not had, actions taken or not taken etc. I have no regrets in that regard. We said all the sweet things. He knew he was leaving this earth well loved, & all he loved knew that they too were loved by him. He did not choose to leave us; this was not his, & certainly not my, plan. I am 100% living Plan B right now, and while this is not the way I planned my life to go at age 26, or 30, or 35, or 40, or even 45, I am finding joy on this new path too, a different kind of joy, but joy.

But this year has not been the hardest year of my life because Jamey loved me, loved us, so well in the 21 years we had together. Jamey provided for me and the girls, and he made and collected the best friends that continue to check on us and help me, and counsel me, and support me. And Iā€™d like to say Iā€™ve made and collected some of the best friends too, and they also continue to check on me, help me, counsel me, and support me. And friends from both sides of the aisle have talked me through and come over and helped with (AKA done) quite a few honey dos. Plus, we have family here & there who also love us as best as they can too, & we are thankful for all of it and everyone.

Without a doubt, I have kept myself extremely busy this last year. I have tried to fill the hole in my heart with activities, with house projects, with renovations, with travel, with new certifications, with exercise, with Bible study, with outings, with concerts, & of course because I live in the South, with football, & because Heidi is Jameyā€™s daughter, soccer games too. I have filled it with the good work that Jamey started with the Hollingsworth foundation. I have filled that hole by helping Halli prepare for college and navigate senior year, by helping our youngest navigate the complicated waters of entering high school, and all the trials and tribulations and hard choices that present themselves during that period of life. I have filled it with therapy, and Iā€™ve certainly filled it with a bit of my own escaping as well. 

This year has not been pretty, but itā€™s not been the hardest year of my life. Iā€™ve made mistakes. Iā€™ve cried (a lot) but less than the year of dying. Iā€™ve checked in and out a few times; Iā€™ve gotten angry a lot, more than I should have, but I havenā€™t quit. People marvel and tell me that they donā€™t think they couldā€™ve gone through this. The thing is, itā€™s not like you get a choice. You simply must move forward, because time waits for no one; life waits for no one.

I see myself still evolving, hopefully for the better, but not always. In some ways, a lot of ways, I feel myself reverting to the young woman I was before I met Jamey, just older, wrinklier, and a good bit wiser. I believe Iā€™ve learned from some of the mistakes Iā€™ve made this past year. But there are other mistakes that Iā€™m sure I will continue to repeat for the rest of my life.  I mean human nature and all that. 

A cherished friend counseled me a few months back, and she said that she had a sense that Jamey was telling me to slow down. That makes sense on so many levels. Even together throughout our marriage, Jamey was definitely the more strategic, slower, more methodical thinker, and I was the energizer, the activator, the Make It Happen Captain partner. And so, I can relate to her / his advice, & I think this next year, Iā€™m going to try and do just that, try and slow down. Emphasis on the word try. 

I stopped writing for a while, (5-months to be exact) but I miss it, & I hope to pick it back up again. Just writing this post feels cathartic. But solo life, solo parenting, gets so busy, and frankly itā€™s really, really hard managing it all, working full time, raising teens, heck, Iā€™m kind of still raising myself, but Iā€™d like to think Iā€™ll pick the writing back up again. I do find it very therapeutic. But I also am still considering a new puppy in the Spring verses now, because as another friend, suggested, I donā€™t want to be potty training a puppy in the winter. I was born and raised in Miami, Florida, and you can happily take the girl out of Florida, but you canā€™t take the love of warmth and sunshine out of the girl, and I do not want to be walking a puppy in the dead of winter.  Iā€™m also training to become a certified Pilates instructor. So, while I have hopes of slowing down and writing more, Iā€™m not going to come to a halt; I canā€™t.  Itā€™s not in my DNA. But I am going to try to slow down.

Iā€™m also kind of mentally and emotionally preparing myself for the idea that this next year might be worse than the last. From therapy and from the Widow forums I read, the reality that itā€™s not just the first year without him, but forever without him will apparently really sink into my, our, bones this next year. So, I continue to ask for grace, and patience, and love, and forgiveness moving forward. Maybe Iā€™ll write about it. šŸ¤”šŸ˜˜

But back to the upcoming dreaded anniversary. I did not want to be in our home, nor did I want the girls to be in our home on the anniversary of Jameyā€˜s passing in our house. So, with the help of the bestest travel agent ever, we will not be. We are running far, far away, & I am hoping that we will make new and happy memories to layer on top of the anniversary of a horrible loss. Iā€™m also trying to think of this escape as a new beginning, a rebirth. A celebration for sure that weā€™ve had major milestones (HS graduation, turning 50, etc.) this year, and that we too have survived a year without him. But I also want this trip to symbolize a rebirth into the women that God is shaping us into. I want it to be a time for the three of us to focus on ā€˜who do we want to be at this time next yearā€™ and ā€˜what are the choices and decisions and actions that we need to take to become those women, women who Jamey would be proud of.ā€™ Because while we still shed tears, and still have those moments of realization and shock that we are living our lives without him, no matter how ill equipped I feel, or they feel, to be navigating these waters without him, God knew this was in our future the whole time, and the Bible tells us we were fearfully & wonderfully made, Psalm 139:14. And while I may not be individually equipped for this path, He is with me, with us, & through Him all things are possible, Philippians 4:13.  God has sent so many wonderful friends and family members to support us, and He has supposedly given us the strengths and abilities to get through it, though sometimes I personally feel like Moses, and I keep questioning if just by chance, God is overestimating my abilities, Exodus 4:10. But I do trust the Lord more than I trust my own insecurities and the negative talk of the devil whispering in and undermining me in my ear. 

So, while this year hasnā€™t been the hardest year of my life, it hasnā€™t been the best or the easiest either, and Iā€™ve certainly gotten way too familiar with some of the YouTube handymen do it yourself channels. And while I donā€™t have a crystal ball, nor have I been given the gift of foresight, I can only hope and pray and trust that this next year will be better still. 

Thank you all for walking this path with me and my girls. We could not have made it this far, with as few cuts and bruises as we have, without you. šŸ˜˜

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Goodbye 2022

*Disclaimer: I am writing and posting this blog from my phone in an airport. So please forgive all typos, and grammatical errors.

So, without question, 2022 was THE. WORST. YEAR. OF. MY. LIFE, & I am more than ready to kick it to the curb.Ā 

I am truly hopeful that 2023 will be better. Iā€™d like to think that thereā€™s no way it couldnā€™t be better, but I donā€™t want to jinx myself, or challenge 2023 & have it say ā€œHere, hold my beer.ā€Ā šŸŗĀ 

And not only was 2022 AWFUL, I will say that it isnā€™t going quietly into the night. In the last few weeks of this wretched year, I was bitten by a dog on my face, a tree fell in my yard knocking out our power for almost 20 hours during one of the coldest spells I have ever lived through in Alabama (silver lining, that event forced me to really up my fire making skills,) 2 sinks leaked & flooded my cabinets, & if all that wasnā€™t yuck enough, I either twisted / sprained or developed some sort of infection in my ankle causing me to literally hobble home.Ā šŸ¤¦šŸ¼ā€ā™€ļø

But there have also been some wonderful moments closing out this heinous year. The girls & I swam with a dolphinĀ šŸ¬& snorkeled with turtlesĀ šŸ¢Ā in Mexico. Yes, we have cried, but together we have also laughed. Halli committed to the most perfect college for her & received a size-able 4-year scholarship. Friends have rallied around us & seen us through in a million little & big ways, & I am grateful. But grateful doesnā€™t mean Iā€™m not ready to wash the remnants of 2022 off & down the drain, & I almost wonder if God is not trying to help me do just that too.Ā 

When I went to Napa with friends in September it rained like it was Alabama for most of the trip, which is very unusual for that area. Then when we tried to run away from grief by going to MexicoĀ šŸ‡²šŸ‡½Ā forĀ šŸŽ„Ā Christmas; it rained for 4 whole days, again a very unusual weather pattern for that part of the world. And donā€™t forget the sinks I mentioned earlier & my poor flooded cabinets. So so much water!! I googled it, & it seems that waterĀ šŸ’¦Ā is referred to 722 timesĀ in the Bible, more often than faith, hope, prayer, and worship. But it doesnā€™t always symbolize the same thing. Sometimes it symbolizes difficulties in life (check.)

 ā€œWhen you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm youā€¦ā€ ā€“ Isaiah 43:2

Sometimes water is used to symbolize eternal life. Sometimes it symbolizes the word of God. Sometimes it symbolizes cleansing.

     ā€œā€¦let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.ā€ ā€“ Hebrews 10:22

Likely Iā€™m reading too much into all this water, but when your world, your life, your heart, is ripped so tragically apart, I imagine itā€™s not all that uncommon to try & find meaning in things, because random is just too hard to accept. But though I share the same first three letters of his name, I was not gifted with the skills of interpretation like Daniel in the Old Testament, so what God might actually be saying to me is a bit fuzzy, but Iā€™m leaning into the idea of cleansing. Iā€™d like to think He is trying to rinse sadness & heartache & sickness away. Iā€™d like to think, I pray, 2023 will be better.Ā šŸ™šŸ»

And with that, I wish everyone a very happy (& dry) new year, & I thank you all for loving my little Family 2.0 through this last year.Ā 

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Advent, a Season of WaitingĀ 

A silver lining about trying to run & hide from grief leading up to Christmas is that I purposely did not over commit myself to the busyness of the season. I only minimally decorated; the girls kept their gift lists short, because of a small kitchen project, no baking took place, & I most definitely did not send out cards. While I donā€™t intend to always be such a grinch, it was really all I could muster this year. Next year I think / hope itā€™ll be, not easier, but maybe more joyous. Our oldest will be ā€œhomeā€ from college, & that ā€˜changeā€™ will make it more festive, & maybe motivate me to do more, though to be honest, I kind of like this less. 

In some ways, maybe a lot of ways, Iā€™m realizing that much of what I used to do, not just at Christmas time, but a million big & small things daily, all year, every year, I did because I was trying to make things a certain way for my lifeĀ with Jamey. Not that Jamey mandated things be this way or that way, but because I think I was always trying to embody this family / couple ideal that we shared. I didĀ theĀ things, but so did he. I guess thatā€™s kind of part of the deal of sharing your life with someone. The two of you motivate each other & hopefully bring out the best in each other. And with Jamey gone, one,Ā myĀ best maybeĀ long gone, & two, with we three now living as Family 2.0, I donā€™t think my former vision is at all attainable, & I need a new ideal / dream / model to shoot for, or then again, maybe I donā€™t. Maybe thatā€™s the real change thatā€™s stemming from this cosmic shift in our lives. Maybe I need to stop squeezing the reigns so tightly, & let life & God lead me organically to the next ā€¦ (fill in the blank) & just trust His timing & His nudging, & wait.Ā 

But oh, how in the words of one of my favs, Tom Petty, the waiting is the hardest part, & Iā€™m soooo not a good waiter. I like having a goal in my mind to work towards, but in this stage of life, I feel like God is reshaping me for something ahead that I canā€™t see. Itā€™s like I too am in a period of Advent, waiting for a different notable person to arrive. I am waiting for the new version of me to materialize.   I feel like He is actively sanding off some rough spots here & there, adding a bit more wet clay there & totally morphing me, preparing me, for the next. And while I donā€™t know what the next looks like, I am trying to lean on God & have faith. For though Iā€™m tripping & stumbling every day, I do believe He has surrounded me with some of the kindest, sweetest friends to help me stay, maybe not in a lane, because maybe Iā€™m supposed to be changing lanes, but to at least stay strong & to stay in the race.  Truly, friends are a blessing from heaven & make life so much easier to not only bear, but enjoy. 

     Numbers 11:17, ā€œAnd I will take some of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them, and they shall bear the burden of the people with you, so that you may not bear it yourself alone.ā€ 

But back to that whole waiting part. Waiting stinks. Iā€™m a doer; Iā€™m Martha vs Mary, & Iā€™m so bad at waiting. But in this season of Advent, waiting on the celebration of Christmas and Jesusā€™ birth, I canā€™t help but think I too am waiting on the new me.  I am reminded that I need not dread the waiting, but rather I should be waiting in excited anticipation. I need to wait while savoring the present. Wait in peace & to trust His plan, His ideal, His dream, His vision & know that He has already carried me this far, Heā€™s not about to just drop me now. So, wherever you are physically, emotionally, or spiritually this holiday season, I encourage us all to savor the waiting & trust that ā€œWhen the time is right, I the Lord, will make it happen.ā€ Isaiah 60:22

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Celebrities with CRC and Taking Out the Trash

You know how when you are focused on one thing, one thing that for whatever reason God has said you canā€™t have, or that you at least canā€™t have right now, all you can see everywhere you look is other people who have that thing? Like when your maternal clock ā° starts ticking (do men even have paternal clocks???) and you want a baby so badly that your teeth hurt, but for whatever reason another month goes by and you arenā€™t pregnant again, but THE ONLY people you EVER see are all the beautiful pregnant ladies of the world?? Or how, in my case, I seem to be surrounded by the cutest older couples around every bend walking & holding hands, literally, absolutely anyplace I ever go when I venture out of my house.  Itā€™s like our minds just like to focus on whatever will torture our psyches the most. 

My dreams, my plans, of growing old with Jamey, puttering around & helping each other fill in the blanks to a shared story, or being this eccentric old couple rocking out at some concert we are much too old to attend, all went up in smoke with cancer. It seems so very unfair. But all the whyā€™s & what ifs that keep me up at night are all asked in vain. But now Iā€™m wondering, is it just me? Is it because Iā€™m hyper focused on colon & colorectal cancer that I hear about it ALL the time?? Does it seem more common to anyone else but me?? I mean Kirstie Alley? Really? Rebecca from Cheers was a victim too? Itā€™s insane! This is a preventable disease! But itā€™s also kind of a taboo one. No one likes to talk about the symptoms, everyone wants to, excuse the pun, poo poo, any oddities dealing with their bathroom habits, but you know what is even less fun to talk about? Dying! Dying is way less fun to talk about. Itā€™s also way less fun talking about how your daughters no longer have their daddy to cheer them on & off the soccer āš½ļø field, or to watch them graduate high school, or to talk to them about boys, or to have their daddy talk to boys about treating them right, or way off into the future, how they wonā€™t have their daddy to walk them down the aisle at their wedding.

Iā€™ve heard there are 5 stages to grief, (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance) but that you donā€™t really move through them in a linear line, you bounce around in and out of them like a person with attention deficit disorder. Well, Iā€™ll share, up until recently, I donā€™t think Iā€™ve really spent any time in the anger stage. Maybe Iā€™ve been able to avoid it because my friends have loved me so well. But spoiler alert, I think Iā€™m starting to dip my toes in that miserable pool of emotion. Iā€™m angry. Iā€™m angry that my husband, who always teased me about being a closet hypochondriac, didnā€™t do every single thing in his power to make sure he didnā€™t leave us alone. Iā€™m angry that he didnā€™t even tell me anything was wrong for at least 6 months, because I know without a shadow of doubt, I would have Googled that mess & nagged until he literally got his toosh to the doctor. Iā€™m angry that Iā€™m alone. Iā€™m angry that when I look at the trash can & think someone needs to take that outside, that it takes me a second to realize that someone is me. Itā€™s all me. Everything falls on my shoulders all alone from now  until forever. Iā€™m mad. Iā€™m angry, & Iā€™m sad. 

But the only thing I seem to be able to do with that anger is swing the fireĀ šŸ”„Ā out of some kettle bells, yell at cars in traffic, & use it to fuelĀ ā›½ļøĀ my message about getting screened. Yes, the prep stinks (actually quite literallyĀ šŸ˜‚) but it is sooooo much better than the alternative. If you love someone, anyone, a person or a pet, or someone, anyone, again person or pet, loves you, GET SCREENED. Supposedly all signs are suggesting that by 2030 colorectal cancer will be the leading cause of cancer deaths for people under 50. Now by 2030 Iā€™ll be fortunate if Iā€™m still here, but by 2030 both of my two beautiful daughters, because now they have a family history, should have been screened a few times. But they wouldnā€™t be, nobody would be, if we didnā€™t talk about it & make it as common place as getting your annual physical or your twice a year dentalĀ šŸ¦·Ā cleaning. I totally get that Heaven is going to be Agh-mazing, but those people & pets left behind sure would miss you here on earth. So if nothing else, donā€™t do it for you, do it for the love of someone else.

Now if youā€™ll excuse me, I need to go take out the trash.

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12/4 – The anniversary of another one of the worst days of my lifeā€¦Ā 

So, I guess Iā€™m figuring out, because Iā€™m smart like that, some days are harder & more poignant than others. Obviously, Thanksgiving was particularly hard. I cried more that week than I had in maybe a month, & that made me feel guilty on top of sad. Guilty, because for the month prior, I had felt pretty O.K., even happy at times. But here we are at another significant day, but maybe only to me & me alone, December 4. 

It was a year ago today that I think I really started to realize my husband, my best friend, ā€˜my personā€™ who I bounced EVERY idea off (bless him for always listening), confessed every sin or social faux pas to, was freaking dying. I mean I ā€œknewā€ the odds were against us before, but I had led such a Horatio Alger like life before, I truly believed weā€™d get the miracle Iā€™d been praying for. I mean of course we would, right? Spoiler alert: We didn’t. I even tried to point out to God what was in it forĀ Him, ifĀ HeĀ saved Jamey.

In prayer, I proposed that I, one who is rarely ever short for words, would go on a marketing campaign for God that would go kind of like me espousing His amazing & perfect gift of healing, so you too (person listening to my proposed marketing plan) must just keep the faith & keep believing, because God can save you too! Ha! As if God needed me to spread His miracle message!! The audacity of my dumb self-astounds even me, but still, itā€™s true. I thought that. But my ridiculous & small-minded project plans for ā€˜saving Jamey & spreading Godā€™s miracle of healing message,ā€™ were clearly NOT Godā€™s plans, & it was on December 4, I started to come to terms with that. 

After a series of events that I donā€™t fully recall right now, but I could probably look back over our Caring Bridge posts to find (but I think rereading those right now would feel like a punch in the gut) I took Jamey to the ER for the first time during our cancer journey. (Believe me, it was NOT the 1st time I took Jamey to the ER in our marriage, as there were numerous āš½ļø injuries in our early years, Supper Club zip line escapades, & a bag of broken bones over the years that had him riding shot gun on the way to whatever the closest ER wa at the time. And the fact that he was in the passenger seat also spoke volumes to his health, as he always preferred to drive versus ride. Not sure if that speaks more to my driving skills or his need to be in control, but thatā€™s the way it was. šŸ˜‚) 

I remember calling one of my besties that morning to ask her where I should take him & if she concurred, we were ER worthy. Even calling her that morning broke my heart, because she answered all perky & happy thinking, I was going to ask her to go for a walk that day, not for an ER strategy, & then I hit her from left field & started sobbing into the phone. I remember Jamey putting up NO resistance to the idea of going to the ER, which was also particularly worrisome, because he was THE most stoic man I had ever met, & I expected him to balk at the idea. But what I remember even more, is Jamey not even being able to get out of the car to walk in under the portico, but instead he had to crawl to a bush to vomit šŸ¤®from the intensity of the pain. I remember having to park in a kind of sketch spot & Jamey of course, having bigger more painful things on his mind, not noticing that I had to walk to & from said sketch location alone, & how that too was a dawning realization for me that I was losing my protector, my body guard. I remember realizing now, all I had got protection was God & His angels, and I wasn’t just thinking about that hospital visit, but for life. I was starting to realize that I was entering a new ‘alone’ phase that I really wasnā€™t all that familiar with.  But on December 4, 2021, when I had to walk back & forth to get things, (blanket, water bottle, pillow, etc.) from my car in the dark, on my own, I did so while quoting scripture in my head, my version of holy pepper spray. 

Next, I remember, that once he was discharged, he settled in to watch Alabama play (& beat GA 24 – 41,) while I tried to decorate our first ever artificial Christmas tree, because though I was fighting like hell to maintain some sort of normalcy for our girls, I did not have it in me to haul in & set up a real tree all by myself. And believe it or not, I remember pouring a strong drink that night & finishing it before one of Jameyā€™s oldest friends called me to check in. His innocent ā€˜how you doing?ā€™ broke the damn of everything Iā€™d been holding in for the last few month, & I let my tears & wails go. Later I learned that though I had holed myself up behind closed doors to talk to him, the whole family heard me sobbing & hollering in anguish, that ā€˜my husband was dying.ā€™ Not my finest care partner moment, but alas, it happened. 

The next day I awoke with not only a pounding headache, but a phone call from the same bestie checking in on me, because Jamey had called her the night before to tell her I was cracking under the pressure, which led to an epic Rage Room girlā€™s night out. But oh what a freaking fateful & awful night December 4 was last year, & how even remembering it now, a year later, it still stings. 

But believe it or not, on this December 4, though we three Hollingsworth girls miss Jamey like mad, I am at least comforted knowing he is fully healed in heaven.  He was in sooo much pain, and so much discomfort, and things only got worse from 12/4.  Iā€™ve said this before, but I still wish it: if only the dying process could be more like turning in your keys when your lease was up, & not all the pain &šŸ’© suffering. Dying is so undignified, & itā€™s gut wrenching to watch a cherished loved one go through it. But again, as Iā€™ve also said before, as awful and heart breaking as it was to walk alongside Jamey as he moved to the light, there was absolutely no other place I would have rather been than by his side. In a weird and twisted way, standing by him during that horrific journey, was truly one of the greatest privileges and honors of my life, no matter how much it hurt us both. 

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Decisions without Jamey

Several people have asked me recently, if it is hard for me to make decisions without Jamey. For sure, it is, but I do think one weird positive about cancer, is that Jamey kind of trained me a bit. His 10-month fight was kind of like the saddest apprenticeship ever. But now that he has left me to carry on, Iā€™m starting to tweak things big & small & make them my own. Home improvements we talked about but put off? Iā€™m doing. Meanwhile while his laser focused mad dishwasher management skills are sorely missed, Iā€™ve revamped our loading protocols. (Jamey, if youā€™re able to read my journal entries, go ahead & skip this next sentence. I may or may not run the dishwasher from time to time when every cubic inch of space hasĀ notĀ been maximized.Ā šŸ˜±)Ā 

But just like I think if you are quiet enough, and still enough, and listen hard enough, you can feel the nudging of the holy spirt in your heart, so too I think I can hear the answer to ā€œWhat Would Jamey Do?ā€Ā  And while no person completely knows the workings of anotherā€™s mind, after being in relationship and marriage for 21 years +, I do think I can likely guess, with at least 90% accuracy, what Jamey would do in most situations.Ā  But just like when he was alive, that doesnā€™t mean I alwaysĀ agreeĀ with ā€˜What Jamey Would Do.ā€Ā  I mean do any 2 people ever always agree 100%??? I know there are currently a few decisions on the table where he & I would disagree, but here I am, living this life without him, and so I carry on, listening to his voice in my head, considering his opinion, and moving forward, albeit a bit sideways & wonky from time to time. But now that I am the only one left standing, like we used to say to our girls, they, but in this case, Jamey, has input but not say.Ā  The final ā€˜sayā€™ in decisions at this point in time, are mine and mine alone, but so too then are the consequences & repercussions. All I can really do is to keep praying through decisions & to keep leaning on my trusted & wise friends for counsel. But am I getting them all right? I doubt it. Have I made a few mistakes already?Ā šŸ’Æ! But Iā€™m trying. And Iā€™d like to think someone would at least give me an A- for effort. (Have I shared already how I love high marks & goldšŸŒŸĀ stars?)Ā 

Would I rather be making decisions & weighing the pros & cons with my partner in crime? Absolutely! But that is not the path God has set before me to walk. And while I donā€™t necessarily love this whole ā€˜going it aloneā€™ business, I am thankful for the village who is quite literally picking me up & carrying me down the road when I do I stumble, or feel lost, or confused or overwhelmed, because I am literally all the emotions these days.Ā 

And as for what I have done so far, so far, I havenā€™t made any major decisions that Jamey & I hadnā€™t at least already discuss. Granted, I may have pulled the trigger and set a few of those decisions into motion faster than I know he would have, (the grass doesnā€™t really grow under my feet much,) they are not decisions or choices that we hadnā€™t already talked about.  Towards the end, we even discussed some hypothetical big decision things he thought I should do in the eventā€¦so in a way, he left me with an outline, not a sentence outline, and not a paper, but an outline.  I wish it were more of an instruction manual, but itā€™s not, which is fine by me, as I tend not to follow instructions very well anyway.  (Jamey used to say that I treated recipes more like suggestions or inspirational guides, as opposed to mandatory steps. Can you tell that I am NOT a baker?  LOL!) However, I do wish that I could see through the veil and converse with Jamey like the character in Sixth Sense, but if I said that I did that in this blog, youā€™d likely be more than reading this post, youā€™d be calling the authorities.  LOL!  

But for those of you helping me hold up my little family of 3 up these days, thank you. And please, keep it up, because Iā€™m still peddling fast and furiously with training wheels.Ā 

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Thankful for much, even the suck..

So, here we are, facing the 1st of the Hallmark holidays without Jamey, Thanksgiving. 

Thanksgiving used to be kind of a big deal for us, because it was the 1st big family gathering Jamey & I, several years ago, finally felt equipped & ready to host on our own. Early marriage we always trekked it back down to Florida to be with my parents & grandparents, but once we lost my grans & moved into a house with a little more elbow room, we were ready to host. Now thatā€™s not to say we did do so seamlessly, as it took us a few years to get the hang of it, but we did it & loved it. 

However, we most certainly learned a few things along the way. We learned that if Jamey was intent on smoking the bird šŸ¦ƒ in the Big Green Egg, Thanksgiving lunch @ 12:00 PM was not a good idea, because it meant he (we) had to stay up most of the night monitoring the temperature, & you canā€™t stay up all night without imbibing šŸ„ƒšŸŗšŸ· at least a wee bit, so subsequent feasts were all dinners versus lunches. I learned that itā€™s really over kill to deep fry the onions on your back porch in your new Fry Daddy for the green bean casserole, & store bought, fried & dried, onions are really delicious when comparing the ROI. Yes, lots of tweaks were made over the years. We even moved the festivities out to Smyer Lake one year, where the kitchen appliances may not have been as nice, but the ambiance was top drawer. But then Covid šŸ¦ šŸ˜· side swiped our newly acquired hosting hats, & we had to settle for a low-key family of 4. Oh, how innocent & naive I was to think that Thanksgiving with just the 4 of us during a pandemic was rather somber & sad. I mean what I wouldnā€™t give to go back in time & relish it more, appreciate it more, cherish it more, & imprint every minute of it into my wretched memory more. Just writing that makes me sob big hard tears that Iā€™ve been managing to keep at bay for longer & longer periods of time as of late, but I guess it just goes to show you that grief lives in a deep dark well that never runs dry. šŸ˜„ But despite the tears, Iā€™m truly thankful for the many, many happy memories. I just sometimes still canā€™t believe that they really are just memories, and that realization sucks, but life goes on for the rest of us.

Our ā€œfeastā€ this year will be small & mostly ordered from a local delicatessen, but we will get by & try to focus on the many, many good things & countless blessings in our lives. For example, our oldest has been receiving college acceptances & both girls justĀ mightĀ be able to squeak out an all A report card. And friends! Oh my goodness our friends! Friends continue to show up & support us in the most unexpected & beautiful ways, whether it be by coming to the the 18th Annual Finish The Fight Iron Bowl Kickoff Casino Party last week, or by stomping out my boa that may or may not have caught fireĀ šŸ”„ recently, or by leaving THE. MOST. DELICIOUS. loaf of ā€œRosemary Remembranceā€ bread on our front porch. (It was sooo good; Iā€™ve even asked for the recipe & I donā€™t bake, & Iā€™ve never made šŸž bread in my life!) The kindnesses & support are nothing short of phenomenal, & Iā€™m so thankful! But the suck is never too far off. In the last 2 weeks, 2 dear & longtime friends have shared with me that loved ones in their inner circles have been diagnosed with CRC. It feels like itā€™s everywhere, but my daughter says itā€™s just because Iā€™m hyper focused on CRC. Maybe so, but Iā€™d be negligent if I didnā€™t put in a plug here for everyone reading this now, if you havenā€™t yet, schedule your colonoscopy sooner versus later. I donā€™t want anyone else to feel compelled to write a grief blog, maybe some sort of happy blog, but letā€™s prevent anymore pathetic grief blogs.

Iā€™ll close out this post on Thanksgiving Eve, with a PSA thatā€™s not about colonoscopies: Love on your honeys. Squeeze ā€˜em tight. Donā€™t sigh or fight if someone overcooks, undercooks, or forgets to cook anything. Just squeeze their hands & give thanks to God, & try with all your might to remember & appreciate it all. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

P.S.Ā  Apologies for not posting last week.Ā  I was running around with my hair on fire (It was apparently out of control!) and pealing in everywhere I went on two wheels. Then throw in one of your besties visiting from out of town, a fundraiser to ā€œFinish the Fightā€ with a dozen or so friends all gathered in one place, and journaling / blogging was just not happening. šŸ˜Š