Several people have asked me recently, if it is hard for me to make decisions without Jamey. For sure, it is, but I do think one weird positive about cancer, is that Jamey kind of trained me a bit. His 10-month fight was kind of like the saddest apprenticeship ever. But now that he has left me to carry on, I’m starting to tweak things big & small & make them my own. Home improvements we talked about but put off? I’m doing. Meanwhile while his laser focused mad dishwasher management skills are sorely missed, I’ve revamped our loading protocols. (Jamey, if you’re able to read my journal entries, go ahead & skip this next sentence. I may or may not run the dishwasher from time to time when every cubic inch of space has not been maximized. 😱)
But just like I think if you are quiet enough, and still enough, and listen hard enough, you can feel the nudging of the holy spirt in your heart, so too I think I can hear the answer to “What Would Jamey Do?” And while no person completely knows the workings of another’s mind, after being in relationship and marriage for 21 years +, I do think I can likely guess, with at least 90% accuracy, what Jamey would do in most situations. But just like when he was alive, that doesn’t mean I always agree with ‘What Jamey Would Do.” I mean do any 2 people ever always agree 100%??? I know there are currently a few decisions on the table where he & I would disagree, but here I am, living this life without him, and so I carry on, listening to his voice in my head, considering his opinion, and moving forward, albeit a bit sideways & wonky from time to time. But now that I am the only one left standing, like we used to say to our girls, they, but in this case, Jamey, has input but not say. The final ‘say’ in decisions at this point in time, are mine and mine alone, but so too then are the consequences & repercussions. All I can really do is to keep praying through decisions & to keep leaning on my trusted & wise friends for counsel. But am I getting them all right? I doubt it. Have I made a few mistakes already? 💯! But I’m trying. And I’d like to think someone would at least give me an A- for effort. (Have I shared already how I love high marks & gold🌟 stars?)
Would I rather be making decisions & weighing the pros & cons with my partner in crime? Absolutely! But that is not the path God has set before me to walk. And while I don’t necessarily love this whole ‘going it alone’ business, I am thankful for the village who is quite literally picking me up & carrying me down the road when I do I stumble, or feel lost, or confused or overwhelmed, because I am literally all the emotions these days.
And as for what I have done so far, so far, I haven’t made any major decisions that Jamey & I hadn’t at least already discuss. Granted, I may have pulled the trigger and set a few of those decisions into motion faster than I know he would have, (the grass doesn’t really grow under my feet much,) they are not decisions or choices that we hadn’t already talked about. Towards the end, we even discussed some hypothetical big decision things he thought I should do in the event…so in a way, he left me with an outline, not a sentence outline, and not a paper, but an outline. I wish it were more of an instruction manual, but it’s not, which is fine by me, as I tend not to follow instructions very well anyway. (Jamey used to say that I treated recipes more like suggestions or inspirational guides, as opposed to mandatory steps. Can you tell that I am NOT a baker? LOL!) However, I do wish that I could see through the veil and converse with Jamey like the character in Sixth Sense, but if I said that I did that in this blog, you’d likely be more than reading this post, you’d be calling the authorities. LOL!
But for those of you helping me hold up my little family of 3 up these days, thank you. And please, keep it up, because I’m still peddling fast and furiously with training wheels.