A silver lining about trying to run & hide from grief leading up to Christmas is that I purposely did not over commit myself to the busyness of the season. I only minimally decorated; the girls kept their gift lists short, because of a small kitchen project, no baking took place, & I most definitely did not send out cards. While I don’t intend to always be such a grinch, it was really all I could muster this year. Next year I think / hope it’ll be, not easier, but maybe more joyous. Our oldest will be “home” from college, & that ‘change’ will make it more festive, & maybe motivate me to do more, though to be honest, I kind of like this less.
In some ways, maybe a lot of ways, I’m realizing that much of what I used to do, not just at Christmas time, but a million big & small things daily, all year, every year, I did because I was trying to make things a certain way for my life with Jamey. Not that Jamey mandated things be this way or that way, but because I think I was always trying to embody this family / couple ideal that we shared. I did the things, but so did he. I guess that’s kind of part of the deal of sharing your life with someone. The two of you motivate each other & hopefully bring out the best in each other. And with Jamey gone, one, my best maybe long gone, & two, with we three now living as Family 2.0, I don’t think my former vision is at all attainable, & I need a new ideal / dream / model to shoot for, or then again, maybe I don’t. Maybe that’s the real change that’s stemming from this cosmic shift in our lives. Maybe I need to stop squeezing the reigns so tightly, & let life & God lead me organically to the next … (fill in the blank) & just trust His timing & His nudging, & wait.
But oh, how in the words of one of my favs, Tom Petty, the waiting is the hardest part, & I’m soooo not a good waiter. I like having a goal in my mind to work towards, but in this stage of life, I feel like God is reshaping me for something ahead that I can’t see. It’s like I too am in a period of Advent, waiting for a different notable person to arrive. I am waiting for the new version of me to materialize. I feel like He is actively sanding off some rough spots here & there, adding a bit more wet clay there & totally morphing me, preparing me, for the next. And while I don’t know what the next looks like, I am trying to lean on God & have faith. For though I’m tripping & stumbling every day, I do believe He has surrounded me with some of the kindest, sweetest friends to help me stay, maybe not in a lane, because maybe I’m supposed to be changing lanes, but to at least stay strong & to stay in the race. Truly, friends are a blessing from heaven & make life so much easier to not only bear, but enjoy.
Numbers 11:17, “And I will take some of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them, and they shall bear the burden of the people with you, so that you may not bear it yourself alone.”
But back to that whole waiting part. Waiting stinks. I’m a doer; I’m Martha vs Mary, & I’m so bad at waiting. But in this season of Advent, waiting on the celebration of Christmas and Jesus’ birth, I can’t help but think I too am waiting on the new me. I am reminded that I need not dread the waiting, but rather I should be waiting in excited anticipation. I need to wait while savoring the present. Wait in peace & to trust His plan, His ideal, His dream, His vision & know that He has already carried me this far, He’s not about to just drop me now. So, wherever you are physically, emotionally, or spiritually this holiday season, I encourage us all to savor the waiting & trust that “When the time is right, I the Lord, will make it happen.” Isaiah 60:22